A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He
gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says;
"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at
home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's
a calendar behind you."
----
There is a new virus going around called WORK. If
you receive any sort of WORK, whether via e-mail,
Internet, or simply handed to you by a colleague,
do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have
found that their social life is deleted and their
brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced
with any WORK at all, purge the virus by sending
an e-mail to your boss with the words 'This is too
much for me, I'm going out for a soda. This better
not be here when I get back.'
Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If
you receive WORK in paper document form, simply lift
the document and drag the WORK to your trashcan.
Send this message to all your friends in your address
book. If you do not have anyone in your address book,
then the WORK virus has already corrupted your life!
Saturday, September 14, 2002
Thursday, September 12, 2002
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
A Coke Please
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke,
please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses
now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We
have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I
thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked
the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark,
carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked,
"Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking
device with that?"
I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke,
please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses
now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We
have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."
Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I
thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked
the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark,
carbonated beverage."
The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked,
"Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking
device with that?"
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
Monday, September 09, 2002
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other
day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that
morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small
sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found
that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!
day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that
morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small
sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his
office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found
that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!
Favorite books
G.K. Chesterton and several other literary figures were
once asked what book they would prefer to have with them
if they were stranded on a desert island.
"The complete works of Shakespeare," said one writer
without hesitation.
"I choose the Bible," said another.
"How about you?" they asked Chesterton.
"I would choose Thomas' Guide to Practical Shipbuilding,"
replied Chesterton.
G.K. Chesterton and several other literary figures were
once asked what book they would prefer to have with them
if they were stranded on a desert island.
"The complete works of Shakespeare," said one writer
without hesitation.
"I choose the Bible," said another.
"How about you?" they asked Chesterton.
"I would choose Thomas' Guide to Practical Shipbuilding,"
replied Chesterton.
Sunday, September 08, 2002
Monday, August 26, 2002
Saturday, August 24, 2002
The Truth About Nutrition
Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Friday, August 23, 2002
Thursday, August 22, 2002
Wednesday, August 14, 2002
Bumper Stickers
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Saturday, August 10, 2002
Responses If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved
about in that time-management course you sent me to."
"I was working smarter - not harder."
"Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
"Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective
people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
"I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key
was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or
at least my forehead."
"I'm in the management training program."
"I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar
you made me attend."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when
I dreamed about work!"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people
who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured
out a solution to our biggest problem."
"Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is
broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't
wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of
the workaholic!"
"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lens without my hands."
"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was
playing dead to avoid getting shot."
"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved
about in that time-management course you sent me to."
"I was working smarter - not harder."
"Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
"Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission
statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective
people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
"I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key
was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or
at least my forehead."
"I'm in the management training program."
"I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan' (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar
you made me attend."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when
I dreamed about work!"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people
who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured
out a solution to our biggest problem."
"Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is
broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't
wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of
the workaholic!"
"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lens without my hands."
"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was
playing dead to avoid getting shot."
"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
Friday, August 09, 2002
True Stories
When I remarked that this Friday is the longest day of the year, our receptionist looked puzzled and asked, "You mean it's longer than 24 hours?"
One of my Dad's retired friends spends nine months a year in Wisconsin and goes to Florida for the winter. One year, while he was in Florida, he got a call from the police. His neighbor in Wisconsin, who had a key, had entered his home to check that everything was okay with the house. The house was a shambles and he called the police to report a burglary. The police officer reported: "The house appears to have been ransacked."
My Dad's friend immediately bought a plane ticket and flew 1000 miles home to discover that the house looked exactly the way it always looks.
When I remarked that this Friday is the longest day of the year, our receptionist looked puzzled and asked, "You mean it's longer than 24 hours?"
One of my Dad's retired friends spends nine months a year in Wisconsin and goes to Florida for the winter. One year, while he was in Florida, he got a call from the police. His neighbor in Wisconsin, who had a key, had entered his home to check that everything was okay with the house. The house was a shambles and he called the police to report a burglary. The police officer reported: "The house appears to have been ransacked."
My Dad's friend immediately bought a plane ticket and flew 1000 miles home to discover that the house looked exactly the way it always looks.
Thursday, August 08, 2002
Sunday, August 04, 2002
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